Obsessive Love

March 17, 2007 at 3:11 pm (ALL Posts, Love Addiction, Psychology, Relationships/Marriage, Self-help, Thoughts)

(Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive_love)

Obsessive love is a form of love where one person is emotionally obsessed with another.
The obsessive lover believe that their “one magic person” alone can make them feel happy and fulfilled.

Four conditions that help identify Obsessive Love: (Forward, S. & Buck, C.)
1. A painful and all-consuming preoccupation with a real or wished-for lover
2. An insatiable longing either to possess or be possessed by the target of their obsession
3. Rejection by or physical and/or emotional unavailability of their target, and
4. Being driven to behave in self-defeating ways by this rejection or unavailability.

My Question:
I’m still not sure where to draw the line between love and obsession? Where does love end and obsession start?
March 28 2007
Found some interesting reading on Some Philosophizing About Love
(Source: http://www.benbest.com/philo/philove.html#obsessive)

Obsessive love is generally associated with unrequited love or unequal love.

Unrequited love is described as an individual experience rather than a relationship — a wish to love or be loved rather than love itself.

The obsessive lover lives in hope and suffers constant uncertainty about the feelings of the beloved. The entire life of the obsessive may be focused on speculations about the meaning of words & actions of the beloved.



  1. T said,

    Love should never be self-defeating.
    Love should be symbiotic – both sides should be improved from the relationship.
    You should never have to be worried if you’re loved by your partner. You should know you’re loved, and know you love your partner.
    You should feel sad when you’re not with your partner. Rather the opposite – being with your partner should turn your sad day into a happy day.
    Everyone deserves love and to be loved.

  2. d said,

    between 2 and 3. availability and obsession are inversely proportional

  3. colleen kraft said,

    Ive been obsessing over my ex for 8 months and he is with someone else. Every once in a while he will call me and tell me how the breakup was all my fault, like he’s mad at me for him leaving me, then he’ll come to me and make love and go back to her. We were together for2 and a half years. The last time we were together he broke up with her then cried to me about how guilty he felt for hurting her this way.. I told him to go back. and he did. Now I can’t stop myself from stalking him, he filed another complaint against me for harrassment. I’m afraid if I don’t get myself together soon, that I’ll go to jail.

  4. My Home Improvement Guide said,

    This is very nice and informative post. I have bookmarked your site in order to find out your post in the future.

  5. Sue said,

    He should go to jail, not you. He is clearly a womanizer. He is playing with you because
    you are weak.

  6. Laura said,

    I empathize with Colleen, and see myself in the list of obsessive love conditions. My situation: I was involved with a man for nearly three years. When we first met, we were bothin unhappy marriages. He separated within the first year, and I struggled with the right decision. In August I let him go (he claimed undying love and to wait – he asked me to marry him in July of this year…) so that I could do what needed to be done and be free to be with him.
    He met someone else in September…I am free, and he has someone new in his bed and I am left with neither man.
    What a mess.
    I can’t get him out of my head, and cannot forget the relationship we had together. I do not want to live in the past, and I do not want to live without him in my life. It would be great if I could let go and move on, but I have not had closure. He has my personal belongings in his home, and the new woman is there with him, among my things! It’s terrible, and I have been wretched over the whole scenario.

  7. Laura said,

    …to continue and clarify…My husband and I have separated. We were only married for 4 years (November) and the man I am consumed with was married for 18 before either of us decided to become involved, or separate from our respective spouses.
    Perhaps he is a womanizer, a philanderer, a player. Perhaps I am weak, but there was something…there was something amazing between us. People saw it, commented on it…
    oh my heart!

  8. carderock said,

    What Paradise Lost! Oh, when I hear of the love moans and sighs of the rejected heart, I contemplate, How much love has been wasted on self-undoing? Yes, you are “undoing” yourself because you unconsciously need to do this. That should make you ask the question, Why am I doing this? There is a great reason, of course, and it has to do with the most primitive and basic instincts within us to love and be one with another person. Repeat: You – Are – Undoing – Your – Self. That is where you need to go with this, but you need to go all the way to get to where you really want to go, which is oneness with another soul. If you get off-track and get suckered into following your rejecting love interests, you won’t find your true soul. You have to be ALONE to do this and to listen to your own heart and follow it, not some “out there” love interest. Keep that up and you will create patterns of rejection that spiral down further and further and never end until you obliterate yourself. So obliterate yourself now and get to your soul. Get to the one thing you need for love and eternal love, your soul. Nobody out there can give your soul to you or take it away from you, except God. Your soul is YOU. That is your essential beauty, abundance, wisdom and truth. It is eternal. Nobody can destroy that. If you keep going out into the darkness of seeking another person to love you, you will find hell, not paradise. Much love in the wisdom of loving all our souls as God loves us, loving all mankind and loving even those who reject us will lift you above this morass of self-pity and self-loathing. You can restart your engines of love and put yourself on a course to travel to the Land of Paradise and Love by using your own emotions to heal yourself and the world around you instead of stalking and compulsive spying. Forgiveness is a key. Moving On can only happen in the Spirit.

  9. mo said,

    I am 25, and English is not my first language, but i try to share my story with you people.
    I am a university student. i started watching a TV show every night on my labtop before i go to bed 2 years ago. My intension at first was to watch the show just to improve my english. But then there was this girl in the show. She seemed to me so pretty and perfect. I was so amased with how she is and it was not even sexual attraction. It was different, like i wish that i could hug her for hours and be with her.
    And since i never felt that way before for anyone, i thought to myself that this is probably the true love that everyone talks about. Anyway, for few months i watched one or two episode before i go to sleep. All that time it was as if i am in heaven. But man, once i was done watching the show, I started to feel so bad, so empty and i felt like no one would ever make me feel this way and she is someone i would never have. This bad feeling got so worst that i could not graduate from university on time and i have to do one more year. It is so embarrassing for me but even though i realized it is not Love but an obsession, I still go and see her pictures from time to time and can not let go of her.

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