40 Questions to Help You Determine If You Are a Love Addict
On a quest to understand more about love addition/obsessive love, I came across this site: LAA – Love Addicts Anonymous, where I found this list of 40 questions that helps to determine if you are a love addict.
1. You are very needy when it comes to relationships.
2. You fall in love very easily and too quickly.
3. When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things. You can’t help yourself.
4. Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.
5. When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner.
6. More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.
7. Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go.
8. When you are attracted to someone, you will ignore all the warning signs that this person is not good for you.
9. Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to falling in love and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal to you and is not an option.
10. When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have a hard time trusting people.
11. When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have thought about suicide because of a failed relationship.
12. You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.
13. Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.
14. In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.
15. You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship.
16. You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company.
17. More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.
18. You are terrified of never finding someone to love.
19. You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship.
20. You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you.
21. You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need and value).
22. When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to quell anxiety and feed your fantasies.
23. You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer neglect, depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of separation anxiety (what you feel when you are not with someone you have bonded with).
24. More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing.
25. You love romance. You have had more than one romantic interest at a time even when it involved dishonesty.
26. You have stayed with an abusive person.
27. Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more important to you than meeting someone who is available.
28. You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible.
29. You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their minds.
30. When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous.
31. More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship.
32. You have no impulse control when you are in love.
33. You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with.
34. More than once, you have spied on someone you are in love with.
35. You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person.
36. If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and war. You do not walk away.
37. Love is the most important thing in the world to you.
38. Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time— either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday.
39. As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies.
40. You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or under a spell. You lose your ability to make wise choices.
Are You in an Unhappy Relationship?
Taken from the article “Are You in an Unhappy Relationship? Part 2 – The truth about better late than never…“ by Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW, here are some red flags that your relationship may be approaching serious damage:
• The only conversation you and your spouse have with each other is about everything that is wrong with your relationship.
• You have a long list in your head of all the things your spouse has done to offend you, and you literally go through that list everyday.
• You cannot remember the last time you where intimate with each other – or when you are, it is not satisfying, and on some occasions even the intimate moments end with an argument.
• You frequently wonder whether you would be happier with someone else. You have sometimes mulled over the idea of calling an old flame, or flirting with someone you think might be interested in you.
• You spend a great deal of time expressing how dissatisfied you feel in your relationship to close friends, or family. Everyone knows you are unhappy.
• You and your spouse are more like roommates, than a romantic couple. You have started to live different lives, and form separate interests; you are no longer partners.
• You are constantly involved in power struggles; it has become more important to be right than to work on healing and recreating friendship between you and your spouse.
(Click here to read the full article.)
How to Get More Pleasure Out of Your Marriage
Excerpt from the article: How to Get More Pleasure Out of Your Marriage by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
— How Not To Inflict Pain –
• In general, monitor closely how you talk to your spouse and don’t let either one of you get away with saying anything that is hurtful or unkind. Point it out immediately. You should never accept any form of abusive treatment.
• Don’t speak disrespectfully. Don’t boss, give orders, make demands or be rude. Often we think because we had a bad day or because we are under a lot of pressure, that we are entitled to take it out on our spouses. Try to catch yourself the next time you feel like being abrupt or demanding remember to keep your mouth shut until you can speak nicely.
• Watch your tone of voice. If you speak to your spouse with irritation or annoyance in your voice, you are giving your spouse pain.
• Don’t criticize, put down, or ridicule. Never embarrass your spouse in public.
• If you must give your spouse some “constructive criticism” don’t do it on the spot, wait two days before you bring it up so that you can be sure to be saying it without anger or an edge in your voice.
• Watch your facial expressions. Looks can kill!
– How To Give Pleasure –
• What’s amazing is that so many spouses do not have a complete picture of what their spouse likes and doesn’t like. So sit down with your spouse and get a list of all the things that give him or her pleasure and do one of these things every day.
• Smile a lot at each other. You’d be amazed at how much pleasure you can give each other by being conscious to smile as much as possible.
• Before you say or do anything, ask yourself this question: “Will this bring us closer together or push us further apart? If it will bring you closer together, do it, if it will push you further apart, don’t do it.
• Always ask, “What can I do for you?” Look for ways to help each other. They are always there, if you open your mouth and ask you’ll be sure not to miss them.
• Have an honesty meeting once a month. Tell each other how the other is doing in both the pain and pleasure departments. The goal is to get feedback so you can improve upon your effort.
Obsessive Love
(Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive_love)
Obsessive love is a form of love where one person is emotionally obsessed with another.
The obsessive lover believe that their “one magic person” alone can make them feel happy and fulfilled.
Four conditions that help identify Obsessive Love: (Forward, S. & Buck, C.)
1. A painful and all-consuming preoccupation with a real or wished-for lover
2. An insatiable longing either to possess or be possessed by the target of their obsession
3. Rejection by or physical and/or emotional unavailability of their target, and
4. Being driven to behave in self-defeating ways by this rejection or unavailability.
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My Question:
I’m still not sure where to draw the line between love and obsession? Where does love end and obsession start?
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March 28 2007
Found some interesting reading on Some Philosophizing About Love
(Source: http://www.benbest.com/philo/philove.html#obsessive)
Obsessive love is generally associated with unrequited love or unequal love.
Unrequited love is described as an individual experience rather than a relationship — a wish to love or be loved rather than love itself.
The obsessive lover lives in hope and suffers constant uncertainty about the feelings of the beloved. The entire life of the obsessive may be focused on speculations about the meaning of words & actions of the beloved.
