A Married Woman’s Infidelity
Taken from “Clearing the Way”, a Q & A page offered by Ayal Hurst regarding issues of personal healing.
Original Q&A post: “How can I go with a married woman without hurting her family?”
“…When a person makes strong vows, such as marriage vows, to be untrue to those vows can cause damage on many levels, even to the point of bringing on a physical illness. That is why, if a person finds themselves in a situation where those vows no longer apply, one has to consciously rescind the vows, in order to live from a place of personal and spiritual integrity – in order to stay healthy on all levels – and that health includes the health of one’s family. That means facing oneself and one’s life situation, what one needs and what one is choosing, honestly. This is what I believe, at any rate.
If there is something in her marriage for this woman that is not working any longer or not fulfilling her needs, then she needs to be honest with herself and her husband about that. To go behind someone’s back is not an empowered way to live or do things – it is a disempowered and unfair way to do things, as a teenager or child would, and it shows a lack of trust in herself and her own ability to take her life into her own hands. It shows a lack of trust in her own power, a fear of what will happen if she is honest about what she feels and needs. Because she and you have become involved, a wounding then, a lack of trust has already happened in her marriage. Maybe it was always there – her choosing this wouldn’t have come from nowhere – there had to be other factors involved – and if a person does not trust themselves, they cannot offer true trust to another. So I find myself questioning the level of trust going on in her marriage, the level of trust she offers others and lives from. One must take responsibility for one’s choices and actions. That is living in integrity. If this woman is finding in her relationship with you what she cannot find in her marriage, then that needs to be faced honestly and squarely, and addressed with her husband, so that he, too, can make a conscious, clear choice about where then, he wants his life to go.
You said eventually, in all likelihood, you would be found out and then damage will occur. Well, the damage has already happened because you both have chosen to take this path. There is nothing ever wrong in loving another person. Nothing is ever wrong with a beautiful heart connection and sharing joy with another person. However, when one has awareness or knowledge, in this case, the knowledge of a marriage, and a family, and vows given, and then one takes an action with full knowledge of this situation, then damage is being done. You are not acting from ignorance. You are acting knowing what harm can result, but doing it anyway. When doing something that is not operating in truth, then harm does result, and there are consequences to that.
Since you believe that you will be found out anyway, why then, not take the high road, the place of empowerment and truth, and come out openly and state to those who need to know that there is a situation that needs to be addressed and resolved. Obviously something is going on anyway in the marriage, or this woman would not be going outside of it and forsaking her vows. Better, in my opinion, to deal with it openly, as adults – not as hiding children – and sit down and discuss what is going on and how best to deal with it, as adults. Distress will occur no matter what – and it may mean the end of her marriage. However, better an honest distress and discussion than a finding out the hard and ugly way, wouldn’t you think?
If this woman wants to continue her marriage, then what future do the two of you have anyway, except for living in a loving but dishonest situation, full of impossibilities? What will you be left with then – stalking her, if she decides to call it off in order to have the security of her marriage and family? That’s a possibility for a nasty and obsessive situation. You said yourself that you didn’t know if you could even let it go. This all sounds like red flag stuff to me, on your part. This situation is bringing you both love, and a kind of stolen delight, as you said, which could be wonderful if it existed in the freedom to be truly together and had honest integrity along with it. If you both feel you have found true love and a soul mate, then be empowered and state to those involved that being together is what you need to do in your life. Or, be honest with one another and realize that it’s not going to be a relationship other then a stolen one and will not take the place of her marriage…”
Leonard Cohen: Life of a Ladies’ Man
Life of a Ladies’ Man by Sarah Hampson from Saturday’s (May 26, 2007) Globe and Mail.
Multimedia Presentation: The Art of Being Leonard Cohen (in his own words)
(http://www.theglobeandmail.com/leonardCohen)
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Excerpts from the article, Life as a Ladies’ Man, as Mr. Cohen talked about love, sex, relationships and life.
Click here to read the full article…
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“I got this rap as a kind of ladies’ man… And as I say in one of the poems, it has caused me to laugh, when I think of all the lonely nights” at the monastery. “As if I’m the only guy who ever felt this way about women… As if I’m the only person who ever had some sort of deep connection with the opposite sex.”
“You learn everything from women…. It is where you move into uncharted territory. The rest is just reinforcing wisdom or folly that you have inherited. But nobody can prepare anybody for an encounter with the opposite sex. Much has been written about it. You can read self-help books, but the actual confrontation as a young person with desire, this appetite for completion, well, that is the education.”
“Of course, women are the content of men, and men are the content of women, and most people are dealing with this – whatever version of that longing there is. You know, of completion. It can be spiritual, romantic, erotic. Everybody is involved in that activity.”
“It was terrific. The best kind… We had these appetites that we understood, and it was wonderful that they were taken care of. It was a moment where everybody was giving to the other person what they wanted. The women knew that’s what the men wanted.”
“Well, nobody gets enough of anything… You either get too much or not enough. Nobody gets the right amount, in terms of what they think their appetite deserves.”
“Believe me, what you want is someone to have dinner with. Sleep with from time to time, telephone every day or write. It’s what you set up that is defeating. Make it very modest. And give yourself permission to make a few mistakes. You know, blow it a bit. Have a few drinks and fall into bed with somebody. It doesn’t have to be the final thing.”
“I always had a background of distress, ever since I was young… What part that played in becoming a writer or a singer or whatever it was that one became, I don’t know. I didn’t have a sense of an operational ease… Just about one’s work or one’s capacity to earn a living; a capacity to find a mate or find a moment of relief in someone’s arms,”
“I don’t know what happened… Something very agreeable happened to me. I don’t know what the reason is. That background of distress dissolved… I’m worried now that my songs are too cheerful because I’m feeling well. I think I may be irrelevant pretty soon.”
“When the background of distress dissolves, you’re able to see people more clearly… You’re able to appreciate the authentic situation. You can just see things more clearly. It’s a veil that drops. You’re not looking at everything from the point of view of your own suffering.”
“I find that people want to name it. The woman is saying, ‘What is our relationship? Are we engaged? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? Are we lovers?’ And my disposition is, ‘Do we really have to have this discussion, because it’s not as good as our relationship? We were having a good time until you brought this up.’ But as you get older, you want to accommodate, and say, ‘Yeah, we’re living together. This is for real. I’m not looking for anyone else. You’re the woman in my life.’ Whatever terms that takes: a ring, an arrangement, a commitment, or from one’s behaviour, by the way you act. You make it clear by minute adjustments. A woman goes by. You can look, but you can adjust so that it’s not an insult, an affront or a danger. So you’re continually making those adjustments, so that you don’t make anyone suffer. You’re with somebody, and you want to make it work. I’m not interested in taking off my clothes with a woman right now.”
“You have to take responsibility because the world holds you accountable for what you do… But if you understand that there are other forces determining what you do, then there’s no pride when the world affirms you, no shame when the world scorns you. Also, when someone does something to you that you really don’t like or that hurts you, well, a feeling of injury may arise, but what doesn’t is hatred or enmity, because those people aren’t doing it, either. They’re just doing what had to be done.”
American Beauty (1999)
LW’s Words:
What a beautiful, inspiring and optimistic message it carries for our discovery… There are so much beauty in this world, so much to be grateful for.
Don’t wait till the last minute of our lives to see the beauty and feel the joy; don’t wait till it’s too late to appreciate and feel gratitude for the simple moments of our little lives.
Movie: American Beauty (the Ending)
“I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die.
First of all, that one second isn’t a second at all. It stretches on forever, like an ocean of time.
For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout Camp, watching falling stars.
And yellow leaves, from the maple trees that lined our street.
Or my grandmother’s hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper.
And the first time I saw my cousin Tony’s brand new Firebird.
And Janie… and Janie…
And Carolyn…
I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me, but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst.
And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain.
And I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.”
Do you know “The Secret”?
LW’s Words:
“What you think and how you feel shape your future.”, a friend told me. “…When you’ve modified your thought processes into positive ones, your entire life will change. I very firmly believe that we get what we think and say. There are spiritual powers in the universe that see to that. When we think negative thoughts, we get negative results in our lives. When we think and say positive things, we get positive results in our lives. It works every time.”
He also suggested that I watched “The Secret” dvd.
The message of “The Secret” is basically to understand the Law of Attraction – you attract what you think about – and use the power of intention to manifest the things you want in your life. So by thinking positive thoughts, seeing the beauty in the world, and feeling the love and joy in everyday life, we are more likely to bring all these things to our lives.
It’s about having a positive attitude and outlook on life… “Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming.”
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“We are like magnets – like attract like. You become AND attract what you think.”
“Choose your thoughts carefully .. you are a masterpiece of your life.”
~ quotes from The Secret
“What We Think, We Become…”
~ Buddha
“you get what you think about; your thoughts determine your destiny.”
“…our thinking creates our reality”
~ Louise Hay
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The Secret to You… .
– A Gift From The Secret Dedicated To Someone Very Special
Today is the beginning of my new life
I am starting over today
All good things are coming to me today
I am grateful to be alive
I see beauty all around me
I live with passion and purpose
I take time to laugh and play everyday
I am awake, energized and alive
I focus on all the good things in life
And give thanks for them
I am at peace and one with everything
I feel the love, the joy, the abundance
I am free to be myself
I am magnificence in human form
I am the perfection of life
I am grateful to be… ME
Today is the best day of my life ~
a Jerry McGuire Moment…
I have lots of those Jerry McGuire moments. Moments where I just stop, step outside of the here and now, and listen to the inner voice asking these questions:
– Have I found my place in the world? Do I like my place in the world?
– How did I get to where I am right now? Is this where I want to be?
– What exactly do I want and where exactly do I want to be?
– Am I happy? Could I be happier?
Yes, many questions from deep within, but seldom have I had any answers. In rare cases when I do have answers and think things should be made better, I procrastinate… I do that by asking myself even more questions…
Shouldn’t we be happy with what we got? And if I am happy, why would I still want to strive for something more?!?!
Can’t we just STOP wanting and STOP chasing – knowing most of us had it pretty good…??
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Jerry Maguire: The Things We Think and Do Not Say
Positive Attitude -
“Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.”
“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”
~ Brian Tracy
“I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.”
~ Jimmy Dean
Believe in What Makes You Happy…
~ Dena Dilaconi
Believe in what makes you feel good.
Believe in what makes you happy.
Believe in the dreams
you’ve always wanted to come true,
and give them every chance to.
Life holds no promises
as to what will come your way.
You must search for your own ideals
and work toward reaching them.
Life makes no guarantees
as to what you will have.
It just gives you time to make choices
and to make chances
and to discover whatever secrets
that might come your way.
If you are willing to take
the opportunities you are given
and utilize the abilities you have,
you will constantly fill you life
with special moments
and unforgettable times.
No one knows the mysteries of life
or its ultimate meaning,
but for those who are willing
to believe in their dreams
and in themselves,
life is a precious gift
in which anything is possible.
