A Married Woman’s Infidelity
Taken from “Clearing the Way”, a Q & A page offered by Ayal Hurst regarding issues of personal healing.
Original Q&A post: “How can I go with a married woman without hurting her family?”
“…When a person makes strong vows, such as marriage vows, to be untrue to those vows can cause damage on many levels, even to the point of bringing on a physical illness. That is why, if a person finds themselves in a situation where those vows no longer apply, one has to consciously rescind the vows, in order to live from a place of personal and spiritual integrity – in order to stay healthy on all levels – and that health includes the health of one’s family. That means facing oneself and one’s life situation, what one needs and what one is choosing, honestly. This is what I believe, at any rate.
If there is something in her marriage for this woman that is not working any longer or not fulfilling her needs, then she needs to be honest with herself and her husband about that. To go behind someone’s back is not an empowered way to live or do things – it is a disempowered and unfair way to do things, as a teenager or child would, and it shows a lack of trust in herself and her own ability to take her life into her own hands. It shows a lack of trust in her own power, a fear of what will happen if she is honest about what she feels and needs. Because she and you have become involved, a wounding then, a lack of trust has already happened in her marriage. Maybe it was always there – her choosing this wouldn’t have come from nowhere – there had to be other factors involved – and if a person does not trust themselves, they cannot offer true trust to another. So I find myself questioning the level of trust going on in her marriage, the level of trust she offers others and lives from. One must take responsibility for one’s choices and actions. That is living in integrity. If this woman is finding in her relationship with you what she cannot find in her marriage, then that needs to be faced honestly and squarely, and addressed with her husband, so that he, too, can make a conscious, clear choice about where then, he wants his life to go.
You said eventually, in all likelihood, you would be found out and then damage will occur. Well, the damage has already happened because you both have chosen to take this path. There is nothing ever wrong in loving another person. Nothing is ever wrong with a beautiful heart connection and sharing joy with another person. However, when one has awareness or knowledge, in this case, the knowledge of a marriage, and a family, and vows given, and then one takes an action with full knowledge of this situation, then damage is being done. You are not acting from ignorance. You are acting knowing what harm can result, but doing it anyway. When doing something that is not operating in truth, then harm does result, and there are consequences to that.
Since you believe that you will be found out anyway, why then, not take the high road, the place of empowerment and truth, and come out openly and state to those who need to know that there is a situation that needs to be addressed and resolved. Obviously something is going on anyway in the marriage, or this woman would not be going outside of it and forsaking her vows. Better, in my opinion, to deal with it openly, as adults – not as hiding children – and sit down and discuss what is going on and how best to deal with it, as adults. Distress will occur no matter what – and it may mean the end of her marriage. However, better an honest distress and discussion than a finding out the hard and ugly way, wouldn’t you think?
If this woman wants to continue her marriage, then what future do the two of you have anyway, except for living in a loving but dishonest situation, full of impossibilities? What will you be left with then – stalking her, if she decides to call it off in order to have the security of her marriage and family? That’s a possibility for a nasty and obsessive situation. You said yourself that you didn’t know if you could even let it go. This all sounds like red flag stuff to me, on your part. This situation is bringing you both love, and a kind of stolen delight, as you said, which could be wonderful if it existed in the freedom to be truly together and had honest integrity along with it. If you both feel you have found true love and a soul mate, then be empowered and state to those involved that being together is what you need to do in your life. Or, be honest with one another and realize that it’s not going to be a relationship other then a stolen one and will not take the place of her marriage…”
40 Questions to Help You Determine If You Are a Love Addict
On a quest to understand more about love addition/obsessive love, I came across this site: LAA – Love Addicts Anonymous, where I found this list of 40 questions that helps to determine if you are a love addict.
1. You are very needy when it comes to relationships.
2. You fall in love very easily and too quickly.
3. When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things. You can’t help yourself.
4. Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.
5. When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner.
6. More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.
7. Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go.
8. When you are attracted to someone, you will ignore all the warning signs that this person is not good for you.
9. Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to falling in love and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal to you and is not an option.
10. When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have a hard time trusting people.
11. When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have thought about suicide because of a failed relationship.
12. You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.
13. Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.
14. In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.
15. You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship.
16. You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company.
17. More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.
18. You are terrified of never finding someone to love.
19. You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship.
20. You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you.
21. You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need and value).
22. When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to quell anxiety and feed your fantasies.
23. You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer neglect, depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of separation anxiety (what you feel when you are not with someone you have bonded with).
24. More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing.
25. You love romance. You have had more than one romantic interest at a time even when it involved dishonesty.
26. You have stayed with an abusive person.
27. Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more important to you than meeting someone who is available.
28. You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible.
29. You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their minds.
30. When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous.
31. More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship.
32. You have no impulse control when you are in love.
33. You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with.
34. More than once, you have spied on someone you are in love with.
35. You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person.
36. If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and war. You do not walk away.
37. Love is the most important thing in the world to you.
38. Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time— either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday.
39. As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies.
40. You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or under a spell. You lose your ability to make wise choices.
Are You in an Unhappy Relationship?
Taken from the article “Are You in an Unhappy Relationship? Part 2 – The truth about better late than never…“ by Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW, here are some red flags that your relationship may be approaching serious damage:
• The only conversation you and your spouse have with each other is about everything that is wrong with your relationship.
• You have a long list in your head of all the things your spouse has done to offend you, and you literally go through that list everyday.
• You cannot remember the last time you where intimate with each other – or when you are, it is not satisfying, and on some occasions even the intimate moments end with an argument.
• You frequently wonder whether you would be happier with someone else. You have sometimes mulled over the idea of calling an old flame, or flirting with someone you think might be interested in you.
• You spend a great deal of time expressing how dissatisfied you feel in your relationship to close friends, or family. Everyone knows you are unhappy.
• You and your spouse are more like roommates, than a romantic couple. You have started to live different lives, and form separate interests; you are no longer partners.
• You are constantly involved in power struggles; it has become more important to be right than to work on healing and recreating friendship between you and your spouse.
(Click here to read the full article.)
Quote about Getting Over Someone
– from “The Holiday” (2006)
Iris: “…What I’m trying to say is I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.”
